This is how I wrote it. The genius improvs made it ten times cooler, but it had to start somewhere.

HAMLET!

Act I Scene 1
(Castle Battlements)
Francisco at his post. Enter Bernardo.

BERNARDO: Who's there?

FRANCISCO: Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself.

BERNARDO: What's that supposed to mean?

FRANCISCO: I dunno. It's in the script.

BERNARDO: Let me see. Oh. Do we have to do it that way?

FRANCISCO: I don't see why. I mean, it's nonsense!

BERNARDO: Right. Let's try it again.

Exit, then reenter Bernardo. Ad-lib greeting.
A Watch beeps.

FRANCISCO: You come most carefully upon your hour.

BERNARDO: Have you had quiet guard?

FRANCISCO: Not a mouse stirring.

(Mouse runs across.)

BERNARDO: Well, good night. If you see Horatio and Marcellus, tell them to hurry up.

FRANCISCO: Here they come.

(Play beginning of Hey Hey we're the monkees) Enter Horatio and Marcellus.

MARCELLUS: Hola, Bernardo!

BERNARDO: Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus.

MARCELLUS: So, has this thing appeared again tonight?

BERNARDO: I have seen nothing.
HORATIO: It's not going to appear.

(Enter Ghost.)

MARCELLUS: Oh, yeah? What's that?

HORATIO: (sees ghost) AAAAAHH!

BERNARDO: Looks it not like the king? Mark it, Horatio.

HORATIO: Most like.

MARCELLUS: It would be spoken to. Question it, Horatio.

HORATIO: What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
together with that fair and warlike form in which the majesty of buried Denmark did sometimes march? By heaven I charge thee, speak!

(Ghost turns away.)

MARCELLUS: Oh great, you offended it. See, it stalks away!

HORATIO: Speak, speak, I charge thee!

(Exit Ghost.)

(Off: cockadoodledoo!)

HORATIO: We'd better tell Hamlet about this.

MARCELLUS: Right. Come on, I know where to find him.

Scene 2
(Inside Castle)
(Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes already in shot.)

CLAUDIUS: Alright, Laertes, what is it now?

LAERTES: My lord, I came home to show my duty to your coronation, yet now I would return to France and continue there my studies. By your leave.

CLAUDIUS: Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?

POLONIUS: He hath, my lord, wrungeth from me mine slow leave by laboursome petition, and at last upon his will I seal'd my hard consent: I doth beseech you, giveth him leave to go-

CLAUDIUS: (cuts off, irritatedly) Alright, alright. He can go! (Composed again) Now, my cousin Hamlet and my son,-

HAMLET: (aside) A little more than kin and less than kind.

CLAUDIUS: How is it that clouds still hang on you?

HAMLET: (Note, it is raining on him, but he puts on sunglasses) Not so, my lord, I am too much in the sun.

GERTRUDE: Good Hamlet, cast off thy colored nightie, and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark. It is not right to mourn your father for so long. Thou knowest, 'tis common; all that lives must die.

HAMLET: Ay, madam, it is common.

GERTRUDE: If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?

HAMLET: Seems, madam! Nay it is; I know not 'seems'(does quote marks in air)
'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother, for I have that within that passeth show.

CLAUDIUS: 'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet, to give these mourning duties to your father: but death is the way of the world. We are all born and we all die as part of the great circle of life.(appropriate music) Besides, to persevere in obstinant condolement show a will most incorrect to heaven. As for your intent in going back to Wittenburg, we beseech you, bend you to remain here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye, our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son.

GERTRUDE: I pray thee, Hamlet, stay with us. Go not to Wittenburg.

HAMLET: I shall in all my best obey you, madam.

CLAUDIUS: Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply. Madam, come; this unforced accord of Hamlet sits smiling to my heart. Come away.

(Exit all but Hamlet.)

HAMLET: (to camera ) My father not dead a month and my mother marries his brother. My father was ten times the king he is! It is not nor it cannot come to good: but break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

(Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo.)

HORATIO: Hail to your lordship!

HAMLET: Horatio! I am glad to see you well. But what brings you here from Wittenburg?

HORATIO: My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.

HAMLET: I pray thee, do not mock me, I think it was to see my mother's wedding.

HORATIO: Indeed it followed hard upon.
My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.

HAMLET: Saw who?

HORATIO: The king your father.

HAMLET: The king my father!

MARCELLUS: Is there an echo in here?

HAMLET: Where did you see him?

HORATIO: Upon the platform where these gentlemen keep their watch.

HAMLET: Did you speak to it?

HORATIO: My lord, I did; but answer made it none. And then the morning cock crew loud and at the sound it shrunk in haste away and vanished from our sight.

HAMLET: 'Tis very strange. Sirs, hold you the watch tonight?

BERNARDO: We do, my lord.

HAMLET: Horatio, how looked this figure?

HORATIO: He was armed, from head to foot.

HAMLET: Then saw you not his face?
HORATIO: Oh, yes, my lord; he wore his beaver up.

HAMLET: His BEAVER?

HORATIO: His visor. On his helmet.

HAMLET: Oh. You threw me for a second there.

HORATIO: Sorry.

HAMLET: I mean, you could have just said "visor".

HORATIO: I said sorry.

HAMLET: Oh. Yes. Quite alright.

HORATIO: The script, my lord?

HAMLET: (ad-lib, as if trying to remember next line) So you are certain it was he?

HORATIO: He was as I have seen him in life.

HAMLET: I will watch tonight. Perchance 'twill walk again.

HORATIO: I warrant it will.

HAMLET: Right. See you guys tonight.

OTHERS: Bye. See ya. (etc)

Scene 3
(in Polonius' house)
(Laertes and Ophelia)

LAERTES: Well, I'm all packed. Dear sister, while I am gone, let me hear from you.

OPHELIA: Do you doubt it?

LAERTES: And here a piece of advice, as fitting from brother to sister. For Hamlet and the trifling of his favor, hold it a fashion and a toy in blood, the perfume and suppliance of a minute; no more.

OPHELIA: Is that so?
LAERTES: Think it no more. Perhaps he loves you now, but you must fear, his greatness weighed, his will is not his own. For he himself is subject to his birth.

OPHELIA: I shall the effect of this good lesson keep as watchman to my heart.

LAERTES: I stay too long, but here our father comes.
(Enter Polonius)

POLONIUS: Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard, for shame! The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail, and you are stay'd for. There: my blessing with thee! And these few precepts in thy memory(Audible groan from Laertes): See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue, nor any unprortioned thought his act. Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.(Laertes starts fidgeting, glances at watch frequently. Continue through speech) Those friends thou hast, and their adoption trued, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel; But do not dull thy palm with entertainment of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware of entrance to a quarrel, but being in, bear't that the opposed may be aware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement. Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, but not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; for the apparel oft proclaims the man, and they in France of the best rank and station are of a most select and generous chief in that. Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. Farewell: my blessing season this in thee.

LAERTES: (very relieved to get out of here) Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.

POLONIUS: (trying to get a few more in.) Mind thou dost glance both ways when thou crosseth the street. Take thee no sweets from strangers. Asketh thou for a reciept for all thine purchases-

LAERTES: DAD!

POLONIUS: Ahem. The time invites you; go; your servants tend.

LAERTES: Farewell, Ophelia; and remember well what I have said to you.

OPHELIA: Farewell.
(exit Laertes)

POLONIUS: What is it he hath said to thee?
OPHELIA: So please you, something touching the lord Hamlet.

POLONIUS: 'Tis told me, he hath very oft of late given private time to you. What is between you? Give me up the truth.

OPHELIA: He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.

POLONIUS: Affection! Bah humbug! You speak like a green girl. Do you believe his tenders as you call them?

OPHELIA: He hath importuned me with love in honorable fashion and hath given countenance to his speech, my lord, with almost all the holy vows of heaven.

POLONIUS: From this time be somewhat scanter of your maiden presence. For Lord Hamlet, do not believe his vows. I would not, in plain terms, from this time forth, have you so slander any moment leisure, as to give words or talk with the Lord Hamlet.

OPHELIA: I shall obey, my lord.

Scene 4
(the platform)
(Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus are there, shivering. They each carry a flashlight, which they are playing with)

HAMLET: The air bites shrewdly. It is very cold.

HORATIO: It is a nipping and an eager air.

MARCELLUS: Brrrr, man!

HAMLET: What hour now?

HORATIO: 11:59 and….. never mind. Midnight. It draws near the season wherein the spirit held his wont to walk.

MARCELLUS: Look, my lord, it comes!(leaps behind something. Horatio follows suit)

(Enter ghost)

HAMLET: Whoa.

HORATIO: (pokes up head) It beckons you to go away with it, as if it some impartment did desire to you alone.

MARCELLUS: (Also pokes out of hiding) Look, with what courteous action it waves you to a more removed ground; but do not go with it.

HORATIO: No, by no means.(shake head vigorously)

HAMLET: It will not speak; then I will follow it.

MARCELLUS: You shall not go, my lord. (clings to hamlet's leg)

HAMLET: Hold off your hands.(tries to walk and shake off Marcellus)

HORATIO: Be ruled; you shall not go.(grabs leg also)

HAMLET: (still making slow progress with companions attached to his leg.) My fate cries out, and makes each petty artery in this body as hardy as the Nemean lion's nerve. Still am I called. Unhand me gentlemen. By heaven, I'll make a ghost of him that lets me!(to ghost) I say, away, go on; I'll follow thee. (Finally kicks off the two.)

(Exit ghost and Hamlet)

HORATIO: He waxes desperate with imagination. (crazy signal)

MARCELLUS: Let's follow; 'tis not fit thus to obey him. (Horatio doesn't want to go.) Come ON, man! (pulls along) Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

HORATIO: Heaven will direct it. (Tries to make a break for it.)

MARCELLUS: (Catches Horatio.) Nay, lets follow him.

(Exit both)

Scene 5
(another part of the platform.)
(Enter Ghost and Hamlet)

HAMLET: Speak, I bid thee.

GHOST: (Darth Vader voice) Luke, … I mean Hamlet, I am your father.

HAMLET: Father?

GHOST: (Impatient) Yes. Are you going to listen?

HAMLET: I am bound to hear.

GHOST: Now, Luke…

HAMLET: Hamlet.

GHOST: Right. Hamlet. If thou didst ever thy dear father love,
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

HAMLET: Murder!

GHOST: What is it with you? Now Lu- Hamlet, hear: The serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his crown.

HAMLET: My Uncle!

GHOST: I find thee apt.

HAMLET: What happened?

GHOST: He gave me a slushy of enormous size and great coldness. The brainfreeze did prove fatal.

HAMLET: What kind?

GHOST: Cherry.

HAMLET: My favorite!

GHOST: Mine too. Else, mine it was, until that fateful day. Hamlet, remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. (Can we make him start fading or do something with clouds?) Remember who you are.

HAMLET: No. Please! Don't leave me.

GHOST: Remember…

HAMLET: Father!

GHOST: Remember…

HAMLET: Don't leave me.

GHOST: Remember…(vanishes completely)

(Hamlet stands alone, stunned by what he has seen. Enter Horatio and Marcellus.)

HORATIO: What was THAT? (laughs) The weather-Pbbbah! Very peculiar. Don't you think?

HAMLET: Wait, what's with the Rafiki line? Are you some kind of mentor character now?

HORATIO: I don't know. It just felt like the thing to say.

MARCELLUS: You gotta go with the flow, man.

HORATIO: Anyway, what happened? What did he say?

HAMLET: Sorry, can't tell you.

HORATIO: What? What do you mean? (Hamlet shakes head) Oh, come on!

HAMLET: Alright, but first put these on. (hands Horatio sunglasses clearly labeled "Rayban" and dons a pair himself.)

HORATIO: What for?

HAMLET: Just put them on. (Takes out "neurolizer".) Hey, Marcellus.

MARCELLUS: (Looks) What-(Neurolizer flashes.)

HAMLET: So, Marcellus, don't you need to get going? You said you were in a hurry.

MARCELLUS: Oh. Right. Bye. (Exits)

HORATIO: Can I borrow that thing sometime?

HAMLET: Maybe. Anyway, Horatio, it was like this: My father's ghost told me that…(fade out)
(Fade in again. Time has passed.)
"…the serpent that stung thy father's life now wears his crown and then he's like…"(fade out)
(Fade in. More time has passed.)
… And here we are.

HORATIO: What ever shall we do, my lord?

HAMLET: Hide until it all blows over?

HORATIO: No, they'd be expecting that.

HAMLET: Hmm. I know! I'll pretend that I've gone mad and no one will pay any attention to what I say.
HORATIO: (joke) Pretend?

HAMLET: (laughs)-no, that's not funny. But, really, it'll be like I'm invisible and I'll be able to plan my revenge. Mwahahahah! Mwahahaha!(Fade out.)

Act II Scene I

(Polonius's house. Polonius is sleeping on the kitchen table. Enter Ophelia.)

OPHELIA: Oh, my lord, my lord-

POLONIUS: (Snore)

OPHELIA: (Screeches) DADDY!

POLONIUS: (suddenly awake, falls off table.)oof.

OPHELIA: Oh, my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted.

POLONIUS: With what, in the name of, ow, God?

OPHELIA: Oh, my lord, my lord, Prince Hamlet came to me in a state of disarray. His shirt was unbuttoned, his stockings had fallen to his ankles, and he was pale as a sheet and trembling as though he had just encountered a ghost.

POLONIUS: Was he mad for thy love?

OPHELIA: Oh, my lord, my lord, -

POLONIUS: Cut to the chase.

OPHELIA: I do not know; but truly I do fear it.

POLONIUS: Come, go with me. I will seek the king. This is the very ecstasy of love, whose violent property fordoes itself and leads the will to desperate undertakings as oft as any passion under heaven that doth afflict our natures. I am sorry. Hath thou given him any hard words of late?

OPHELIA: I only obeyed thy command and denied his access to me.

POLONIUS: That hath made him mad. Come, we go to the king. This must be known; which, being kept close, might move more grief to hide than hate to utter love.

Scene II
(Throne room. King Claudius and Queen Gertrude are seated. Enter Polonius.)

CLAUDIUS: Ah, Polonius. What news?

POLONIUS: I have, my Lord, found the very cause of Hamlet's lunacy.

CLAUDIUS: (Interested) Really? Go on, go on.

POLONIUS: I will be brief;-

CLAUDIUS: (To Gertrude) Assuredly, when pigs fly, he will be brief.

POLONIUS: (While Claudius speaks) for brevity is the soul of wit and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes. Your noble son is mad: Mad call I it; for, to define true madness, what is't but to be nothing else but mad? But let that go.

GERTRUDE: More matter, with less art.

POLONIUS: Madam, I swear I use no art at all. That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity and pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure; but farewell it, for I will use no art. Mad let us grant him, then: and now remains that we find out the cause of this effect, or rather say, the cause of this defect, for this effect defective comes by cause: (king and queen are nodding off) Thus it remains , and the remainder thus. I have a daughter, who, in her duty and obedience hath given me this: now gather and surmise(king and queen jerk to attention):

'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia…blah blah blah. You get the idea.

GERTRUDE: And this was from Hamlet?

POLONIUS: Yes, madam.

CLAUDIUS: So you think that being denied Ophelia's affections has driven him mad? (Polonius starts to speak, Claudius cuts him off ) Yes or no?

POLONIUS: Yes.

CLAUDIUS: I will consider the matter. Thank you, Polonius. Now then-
(Enter Osric.)
OSRIC: Your Majesty, the gentlemen you wished to see have arrived.

CLAUDIUS: Thank you. Send them in. If you will both excuse me…
(Exit Osric, Gertrude, and Polonius.)

(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern wearing silly masks.)

ROSENCRANTZ:( Removes mask) We fool a you good, eh boss?

CLAUDIUS: Gentlemen!(walks towards them, hand extended)
(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern walk past him, begin looking under furniture, behind pictures, etc.)

CLAUDIUS: Gentlemen, what is this?!

ROSENCRANTZ: Shh. This is spy stuff. (To Guildenstern) You a find anything?

GUILDENSTERN: ( shakes head and returns to search)

CLAUDIUS: Gentlemen, please! May we get down to business?

ROSENCRANTZ: Sure, boss.

CLAUDIUS: Excellent. Now, something have you heard of Hamlet's transformation. What it should be that has put him so much from the understanding of himself I cannot dream of. I entreat you both that you remain some time at court to find out the cause of his madness.

ROSENCRANTZ: Sure a thing, boss. We a shadow this man all a day.

GUILDENSTERN: ( Honks a horn)

ROSENCRANTZ: Atsa right!

CLAUDIUS: Splendid! Go to, gentlemen. (Shakes Rosencrantz's hand. Goes to shake with Guildenstern, is given a leg(Harpo style))

(Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Mission Impossible theme.)
Scene 3
(Castle living room. Rosencranzt, Guildenstern, and Hamlet watching a movie.)

ROSENCRANTZ:(Laughs) Atsa pretty good, eh boss?

GUILDENSTERN: (nods, silent laughter.)

HAMLET: Wait, this is the good part. Here it comes….

ALL: (Laugh, cheer.)

ROSENCRANTZ: I a know these guys. They a very good. Pretty a good live too.

HAMLET: Really? (To camera) Hmmm. (To Rosencrantz) Could you invite them here? We could see a play.

ROSENCRANTZ: You betcha. Atsa no problem.

HAMLET: Great! (To camera) I'll have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle. I'll observe his looks; if he but blench, I know my course. The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. Dang, I'm good!

Act III Scene I
(A room in the castle. Film in black and white. Claudius, Rosencranzt, and Guildenstern sit around a table.)

CLAUDIUS: What have you to report?

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, we a follow this man. We a stick to him like a glue. We no leave him for an instant. We shadow him all day and-

CLAUDIUS: Gentlemen, time grows short! What did you find out about Hamlet's lunacy?!

ROSENCRANTZ: He does confess he feels himself distracted; But from what cause he will by no means speak. Nor do we find him forward to be sounded, but with a crafty madness, keeps aloof, when we would bring him on to some confession of his true state.

CLAUDIUS: Did you assay him to any pastime?

GUILDENSTERN: (Nods, indicates that Rosencrantz should elaborate.)

ROSENCRANTZ: Sure, sure. It so fell out that we told him of certain players and there did seem in him a kind of joy to hear of it. And as I think, they have already order this night to play before him.

GUILDENSTERN: (Signals, reminds rosencrantz of something.)

ROSENCRANTZ: I'm a getting there. (To Claudius) And he beseech'd me to entreat your majesty to attend.

CLAUDIUS: Excellent work gentlemen. Tell the lord Hamlet that we shall be there.
(Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

Scene I-A
(Hamlet at a desk with feet up. Still black and white.)

HAMLET: (V.O., hamlet reacts to internal monologue.) To be, or not to be: that was the question: whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to drean: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come must give us pause…
(enter Ophelia)
And then she walked in. The fair Ophelia.

OPHELIA: My lord, how does your honour?

HAMLET: (Out loud) Well.

OPHELIA: My lord, I have rememberances of yours, that I have longed long to re-deliver; I pray you now receive them.

HAMLET:( V.O., Hamlet and Ophelia mime speaking to follow monologue.) No, not I. I never gave her aught. But she insisted I had, and with them words of so sweet breath composed as made the things more rich. I told her I did love her once. She said that I had made her believe so. She should not have believed me. I loved her not. She was the more decieved, she said. So I said, "Get thee to a nunnery. We men are arrent knaves all, believe none of us." I asked her where her father was. At home. A likely story. I knew he was there with us, listening to every word. So I bade her farewell, and she left all the more convinced of my madness. Good.
(Exit Ophelia)

Scene II
(Palace theatre. Enter and sit Ophelia, Hamlet, Polonius, Gertrude, Claudius, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Horatio.)

HAMLET:(To Horatio) Now, remember, watch the king. If he freaks, we've got our man.

HORATIO: Got it.

HAMLET: Here goes nothing.

Summary:OK, here is the gist of the play. There is a King Omlet and a Queen Mertrude. The queen declares her undying love for the king. The king then decides to hang out in his hammock. His brother Laudius comes by, offers him a slushy, and then laughs evilly to himself. The king drinks the slushy, then clutches his head in pain and dies. During the play, there are comments from the audience. P.S., the same actors will be used in this play for the coresponding characters. Omlet will be played by the actor of Hamlet. I know you guys can improv.

CLAUDIUS:(Leaps to his feet, enraged) Give me some light: away!

ALL: Lights, lights, lights!
(Exit all but Hamlet and Horatio)

HAMLET: Did you see that?

HORATIO: Yeah. Wow. Think he's a little jumpy?

HAMLET: A LITTLE. Now we've got him!

(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)

ROSENCRANTZ: My lord, the queen desires to speak with you in her chamber. At once.

GUILDENSTERN:(Nods emphatically)

HAMLET: Oh, alright. See you later, Horatio.
(Exit Hamlet and Horatio in opposite directions. Enter Claudius.)

CLAUDIUS: I'm going to send lord Hamlet to England. He is a risk here. Will you gentlemen accompany him and make sure those who meet you there get this?(Holds out an envelope.)

ROSENCRANTZ: Atsa sure thing, boss. No problem.
(All shake on it.)

Scene III
(The Queen's chamber. Gertrude and Polonius speak.)
POLONIUS: He will come straight. Look you lay home to him: tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with, and that your grace hath screen'd and stood between much heat and him. I'll sconce me even here. Pray you, be round with him.

GERTRUDE: Uh…. Ohhhh kayyyyyyy…

HAMLET:(Off) Mother, mother!

GERTRUDE: Withdraw, I hear him coming.
(Polonuis hides behind curtain. Enter Hamlet.)

HAMLET: Now, mother what's the matter?

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

HAMLET: Mother, you have my father much offended.

GERTRUDE: Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

HAMLET: Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.

GERTRUDE: Have you forgot me?

HAMLET: You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife, and - would it were not so - you are my mother.

GERTRUDE: Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.

HAMLET:(Forcefully) You go not til I set you up a glass wher you may see the inmost part of you.

GERTRUDE: What do you want?

HAMLET: I want the truth!

GERTRUDE: You can't handle the truth!

POLONIUS: What ho! Help, help, help!

HAMLET:(Draws light saber.) How now! A rat? Die, Die!
(Stabs through curtain.)

POLONIUS:(Ham this up good.) O, I am slain! (falls and dies.)

GERTRUDE: Oh me, what hast thou done?

HAMLET: Nay, I know not: is it the king?

GERTRUDE: Nay, see!(gestures to Polonuis.)

HAMLET:(Under breath.) Crud.( or something to the effect.)

GERTRUDE: O, what a rash and blood deed is this!

HAMLET: A bloody deed! Almost as bad, good mother, as kill a king and marry his brother.

GERTRUDE: As kill a king!

HAMLET: Ay, lady, 'twas my word.

GERTRUDE: O speak to me no more: these words, like daggers, enter in mine ears; no more, sweet Hamlet!

HAMLET: I must to England; you know that?

GERTRUDE: 'Tis so concluded on.

HAMLET: Goodnight, Mother.
(Exit Hamlet.)

Act IV Scene I
(The throne room. Claudius and Gertrude stand. Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, this deed, for thine especial safety, - which we do tender as we dearly grieve for that which thou hast done, - must send thee hence with fiery quickness; therefore prepare thyself; the bark is ready, and the wind at help, the associates tend, and everything is bent for England.

HAMLET: For England!

CLAUDIUS: Yes, what are you, an echo?

HAMLET: Alright then. (To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.) Come, for England!
(Exit Hamlet.)

CLAUDIUS:(To Rosencrantz.) Follow him at foot; tempt him with speed aboard; delay it not; I'll have him hence to-night: Away! For everything is seal'd and done that else leans on the affair: pray you, make haste. (Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.) And England, if my love thou hold'st at aught and thy free awe pays homage to us, thou mayst not coldly set our sovereign process; which imports at full, by letters congruing to that effect, the present death of Hamlet. Do it, England; till I know 'tis done, howe'er my haps, my joys were ne'er begun.

Scene I-A
( The dock. Hamlet wears tourist attire and carries a stickered suitcase. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have bags and cameras. Claudius, Gertrude and Ophelia are seeing them off.)

Summary: There are various goodbyes, Bon Voyages, and waves. The three board a boat and the others wave as it pulls out off the dock. Wide view of a toy boat in a pool. Close up on Claudius grinning wickedly.

Scene II
(Throne room. Gertrude and Claudius are seated. Horatio stands.)
(There is a banging at the door.)

CLAUDIUS: What is that?(A second bang.)

GERTRUDE: There is someone at the door, my lord.

CLAUDIUS: Well, why don't they just come in?(Bang)

HORATIO: Why don't I get the door.

CLAUDIUS: What?(Bang.) Oh, yes, do that.
(Horatio opens door and Laertes comes running through and stumbles for lack of door. Claudius and Gertrude rise.)

GERTRUDE: Laertes, what is this?

LAERTES:(From the floor.) Where is my father? Where is he?

CLAUDIUS: Dead.

HORATIO: That was a little blunt.

LAERTES: How came he dead? Let come what comes; only I'll be revenged most thoroughly for my father.

CLAUDIUS: Laertes, your father shall not go unavenged-
(Enter Ophelia. She holds a lot of flowers and acts like she's in lala land.)

LAERTES: Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia! Is it possible, a young maid's wits should be as mortal as an old man's life? Hadst thou thy wits, and didst persuade revenge, it could not more thus.

Summary: Ophelia chucks the flowers around and says things like "Rue, rue, rue for you!" and crazy person stuff. Give her a split personality if it'll help. When flowers are gone, skip off.

LAERTES: Do you see this, O God?

CLAUDIUS: Laertes, I must commune with your grief. We shall jointly labor with your soul to give it due content.

LAERTES: I have a noble father lost ; a sister driven into desperate terms. But my revenge will come. This is Hamlet's doing?

CLAUDIUS: Ay.
(Enter Messanger.)

MESSANGER: Message for Horatio.(Hands Horatio and envelope and exits.)

CLAUDIUS: What is it?

HORATIO: It is from Hamlet. "Horatio, I hope this finds you well. An funny thing happened on the way to England. We were almost there when we were attacked by pirates; fortunately…
(Fade out, fade in with caption "Later…". Listeners have changed positions. )
But the cannibals were nothing compared to the giant gorilla…
(Fade out, fade in, "Much later…". Everyone is falling asleep.)
So, to make a long story short, (Everyone wakes up) I'm coming home. See you probably Tuesday. -Hamlet
P.S. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead."

GERTRUDE: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead?!

(Enter servant.)
SERVANT: Your majesties, Ophelia is dead.

ALL: What?!

SERVANT: She fell into the river and drowned.(Clip of Barbie™ floating down a river.)

GERTRUDE: (Faints into Horatio's arms. Make it funny.)

CLAUDIUS: Horatio, look to the queen.
(Exit Horatio, Gertrude, and servant.)
Laertes, I have a plan. I need to get rid of Hamlet and you need revenge. We will arrange a fencing match between you and Hamlet. He uses a foil and you use a sword.

LAERTES: Cool! Better yet, we poison the tip! Just one cut will be fatal.

CLAUDIUS: I like your thinking. But, just in case, I'll have a poisoned drink on hand. If the match goes on long, he will thirst.

LAERTES: Brilliant! We can't fail.
(Both laugh maniacally.)

Act V Scene I
(A graveyard. Two gravediggers are at work.)

1ST GRAVEDIGGER: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?

2ND GRAVEDIGGER: The gallows-maker, for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.

1ST GRAVEDIGGER: Nope, try again.

2ND GRAVEDIGGER: I have no idea. Tell me.

1ST GRAVEDIGGER: No. Guess.

2ND GRAVEDIGGER: Please?

1ST GRAVEDIGGER: Ok, the answer is "A grave-maker. The houses he makes last till doomsday. Hey, go grab us some drinks.(Exit 2ND Gravedigger.)
(1ST sings a verse of a song. Any song.)

Scene I-A
(another part of the graveyard. Horatio and Hamlet are walking.)

HORATIO: What really happened?

HAMLET: Well, it's a long story…
(Flash back effect.)
Scene I-B
(Overhead view of toy boat in pool.)

HAMLET:(V.O.) We were almost at England and I was working on my laptop. At some point I fell asleep.(Shot of Hamlet asleep at computer.)

Computer screen:(Writing appears across screen.) Wake up, Hamlet.(Pause. Hamlet lifts head and reads screen.) The Matrix-(erases "matrix") -king wants you dead. Follow the white rabbit, Hamlet.

HAMLET:(Outloud.) What?

Computer screen: Use the force, Hamlet.

HAMLET:(V.O.) Just then, they spotted land. (Off: "Land ho!")( Shot of boat approaching edge of pool. Hollywood sign reading "ENGLAND")
We docked and were met by two English soldiers.
(England. Hamlet, Guildenstern and Rosencrantz step ashore. Enter two English Storm Troopers via "horses"(coconuts.))

1ST STORM TROOPER: Are you Hamlet?

HAMLET: (Outloud.) No.

2ND STORM TROOPER: We'll need to see some identification.

HAMLET:( Waves hand Jedi-style.) You don't need to see my identification.

1ST STORM TROOPER: (To 2ND.) We don't need to see his identification.

HAMLET:(Same motion.) I'm not the guy you're looking for.

1ST STORM TROOPER: He's not the guy we're looking for.

HAMLET: You're supposed to kill….those guys!(Points to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)

ROSENCRANTZ: Uh-oh.

HAMLET:(V.O.) I decided to leave before things got ugly.(Overhead of boat leaving England.)

Scene I-C
(Graveyard. 1ST Gravedigger is in sight.)

HORATIO: Wow.
(Gravedigger is still singing. Shovel throws up a skull.)

1ST GRAVEDIGGER: Whoops! Ewww.
(Hamlet picks up skull.)

HORATIO: Yuck! Don't touch it!

HAMLET: Whose skull was this?

1ST GRAVEDIGGER: Yorick, the king's jester's.

HAMLET: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

HORATIO: It's a skull.

HAMLET: Uh, yeah. But soft, here comes the king.
(Enter Laertes, Claudius and Gertrude with body of Ophelia.)
Horatio, who's funeral is this?

GERTRUDE: (Shot moved to funeral group. Ophelia's body is laid down.) I had hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife.

HAMLET: Ophelia?! (Runs over to group. Horatio follows.)

LAERTES: Farewell, dear sister.(Sees Hamlet and is enraged.) What are you doing here?

HAMLET: What you talkin' 'bout? She's my girl, ya <BEEP>.
(They attack each other. Rolling around, various insults are thrown, with the expletives deleted.)

CLAUDIUS:(Pulls them apart.) Break it up, break it up!

HAMLET: I'll show you!

LAERTES: Oh yeah?

GERTRUDE: O my, son, what theme?

HAMLET: I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothers could notm with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.

CLAUDIUS: Both of you, go inside, and calm down. I'll talk to you later. Go!
Scene II
(Hamlet's room. Hamlet and Horatio are playing hacky-sack. Enter Osric.)

OSRIC: My lord, a message from his majesty. He says that Laertes is calm and that there is to be a friendly fencing match between the two of you. Do you accept?

HAMLET: I do.

OSRIC: I shall tell his majesty. Good luck, my lord.
(Exit Osric.)

HORATIO: You will lose, my lord.

HAMLET: I don't think so. I've been practicing the whole time he's been in France.

HORATIO: Nay, good my lord-

HAMLET: Quit worrying. Besides, it's just a fencing match.
(Exit Hamlet, Horatio follows.)

HORATIO: If you ask me, there's STILL something rotten in the state of Denmark.

Scene III
(Fencing arena. Claudius, Gertrude, and Horatio seated in stands. Sports commentators are seated to one side with microphones. Osric stands in middle of arena in Ref uniform.)

1ST Sports Commentator: Well, it's a great day for a fencing match, folks.

2ND Sports Commentator: It sure is, Bob. Today's opponents are none other than Prince Hamlet and Laertes, son of Polonius.

1ST Sports Commentator: As some of the spectators already know, Laertes and Hamlet were involved in a rather heated argument earlier today. But that's all settled now?

2ND Sports Commentator: That's what the king has said. But I'm not so sure.
(Enter Hamlet and Laertes from opposite sides, carrying light sabers.)

1ST Sports Commentator:(V.O. The shot is of Laertes and Hamlet shaking hands.) I don't know, Frank. They seem to have patched up their differences.

2ND Sports Commentator:(V.O. Action follows commentary.) Well, let's hope so, Bob. Alright, folks, they're getting ready to begin. The referee is giving them some last minute instructions. They salute, en garde…

1ST Sports Commentator: This is really intense, Frank. Look, they're circling, looking for an opening- oh! Laertes thrusts, but a nice parry from Hamlet.

2ND Sports Commentator: It looks like they're feeling each other out. A few passes, no real strikes for now. Wait! Hamlet's scored!

1ST Sports Commentator: It looks like Laertes is disputing the point. What do you think, Frank?

2ND Sports Commentator: It was a hit, Bob. A very palpable hit. The ref is counting the point.

CLAUDIUS:(Shot of Claudius, holding out bottle of "Poison-aid" to Hamlet.) Here Hamlet, have a drink.

HAMLET: Not yet. Hold on to it for me.(Returns to center of arena.)

1ST Sports Commentator: Things are really heating up now, folks. Those two are going crazy out there! So far, Hamlet's blocking everything Laertes throws at him.

2ND Sports Commentator: Oh, and Hamlet scores another hit! No question about that one! What a play!

Summary:(One side of the arena. )Spartan Cheerleaders act.

GERTRUDE: (Shot of stands.) Our son shall win. Yay Hamlet!( Takes a drink of "Poison-aid".)

CLAUDIUS: Gertrude, don't- (Grimaces, and smacks himself in the head.)

HAMLET:(Back to fighting pair.) Is this the best you can do?

LAERTES: Bring it on.
(The two fight again. Lots of cool Jedi moves. Laertes prepares for powerful strike and all freeze. Camera revolves around frozen pair, then action unfreezes and Laertes strikes.)

OSRIC: Point, Laertes.
(Hamlet and Laertes keep fighting. They inadvertantly stab Osric.)

LAERTES: You killed the referee!

HAMLET: Oh, well!
(Laertes' lightsaber is knocked from his hand and caught by Hamlet, who strikes and hits Laertes.)

1ST Sports Commentator: This is unheard of, folks! The two combatants appear to be bleeding. The tip of that blade isn't blunted!

2ND Sports Commentator: Wait, what's happening in the stands?(Shot of stand, Gertrude falls.) The queen is down, she is down, what happened?

CLAUDIUS:(To Hamlet, Laertes, and Horatio.) She swoons to see them bleed.

GERTRUDE: No,no, the drink, the drink! I am poisoned! (Dies.)

HAMLET:(Turns on Claudius.) You killed her! Die!(Stabs Claudius with lightsaber.)

CLAUDIUS: OW! I've been run through! That hurts!(Dies.)

LAERTES: Uh, Hamlet? Bad news. That blade was poisoned too. We're going to die.

HAMLET: Well, that stinks!(Both drop dead.)

HORATIO: Wow.
(Enter Messanger.)

MESSANGER: I bring a message to the king from England. I am to tell him that-

ALL:(Even dead people sit up to say this.) We know, we know: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead!

(Shot of Sports Commentators)
1ST Sports Commentator: And now, the weather.

END